Emotional Baggage

Well this week marked the 25th anniversary of my mother's death. She was killed in a car accident when I was only five.

It was only a couple of years ago when I actually realized how much rage I was suppressing. I went through a period of being angry at my step-father because he was the one who was driving when the accident happened. I was angry at the driver of the semi-truck because he crashed into the back of my mother's car, causing her to be trapped in a car that was on fire. I was angry at the judge for making me go live with my father, taking me from all the people I knew and loved. I was angry at my father for allowing my step-mother to abuse me, while doing the same himself.

I also lost my faith, which is really ironic because my middle name is Faith.

I lost my faith in God when it was explained to me that God took my mother because he needed her in heaven to take care of the babies. I know my family meant well and had no idea what to say. But it pissed me off. I was angry that God would take my mother, because I needed her, those babies could have someone else's mother.

I lost my faith in people in general when my own father abused me and allowed his wife take out her jealousy of my mother on a mere child.

Her death hit me hardest as an adult and every year at this time, I tend to lose my stuff. Only I don't tell anyone what's going on, I just go off my rocker. The process has been painfully slow, but this year has by far been the best year. I didn't cry. I didn't hide in my house. I didn't freak out while watching a movie that involved a child losing his mother. I just noted the day in my head, hugged my kids a little tighter and went on about my day. I know she would have loved my children to pieces and she would have been honored to learn that my daughter was her namesake.

I still have some anger, but I've made peace with most everything. I tend to have setbacks when I have to deal with my father, but I've made tons of progress. I still haven't regained my faith, but I'm working on it.

I'm learning to focus on the good things. I have three healthy, beautiful children. I have a husband that loves me. I'm thirty years old and I still have all four of my grandparents - they're all reasonably healthy and (for the most part, lol) have healthy mind capacity. I have an aunt who loves me as if I were her own child and cousins that I'm closer to than my own half-sisters.

So see, my life may have gotten off to a rough start, but I sure am lucky to be where I'm at and to have the love of so many great people. I'm just glad I "woke up" before it was too late to enjoy the good things.