But wait! There's more!

Logan (the baby) still wakes up somewhere between 3 and 5 every morning to eat. In an effort to keep things dark, I only use the tv for light, with the sound turned down low. I don't want anything distracting the kid and keeping him up a minute more than he needs to scarf down his bottle and fall back asleep. So the other morning, I was subjected to staring at an infomercial for the Magic Bullet, because I can't reach for the remote for fear that the slightest movement might cause the kid to wake up. Mick (or Mike, I can't remember) and Mimi are the most annoying people on the planet but they whip up some impressive stuff in a small amount of time.

Have you seen this infomercial? I'd be soooo pissed if I were staying at someone's house and woke to a frickin sales presentation before I'd had my coffee. There'd be headless bodies abound, trust me.

I don't know if it was delirium or subliminal messages, but I almost found myself ordering this stupid thing because I could get TWO for the price of ONE! Everyone needs TWO magic bullets, don't they? Luckily, my extreme desire for a few more hours of sleep won that internal struggle and, I am proud to announce, I did NOT order any new kitchen appliances.

Is that how infomercials are so successful? The insomniacs are so out of their heads that anything sounds good? People are hawking ideas for goodness sake and they're making money, lots of money.

Since I'm trying to avoid cleaning the house and I've had too much coffee this morning, I've decided to write my own infomercial - tell me what you think:

Announcer: Ladies, are you tired of your kids hanging on you all day, only to have your husband come home and try to show you some affection? Mama Miga has developed a revolutionary plan to end this problem.

With tips such as:

• Fart on your husband's nut sack during sex, or

• Bribe your child with the promise of candy to poop on the toilet so he comes bursting in the bedroom while you're in the middle having sex asking you to wipe his butt and give him his candy.
  

We GUARANTEE that if you follow Mama Miga's plan, your husband will be so disgusted that you'll see immediate results - or we'll refund your money. Minus shipping and handling fees and a small restocking fee.

Susie Q: I tried Mama Miga's program and was shocked with how fast I saw results. It's AMAZING! My husband hasn't tried to touch me in WEEKS!

Announcer: If you act today, we'll give you Mama Miga's "Alienation of Affection" plan for not $300, not $200, not $100 but for only four easy payments of $24.99. As a special bonus we'll also include Mama Miga's "Guide to Making Your Children do ALL the Housework While You Sip Margaritas and Chat on the Phone " for FREE!

Operators are standing by.

I'm going to be rich, I just know it.