Want some cheese with that whine?

By nature, I'm not a social person. I freeze up when I'm in group situations and I do my best to blend into the walls. If I have to walk across a room full of people and someone laughs, a little voice deep down tries to convince me that they're laughing at me. It's completely arrogant to think that people think about me that much, but it happens every single time. Oh yeah, when I am faced with conflict I usually stutter and stammer, only to come up with an intelligent response 2 hours later.

I don't "do" church, mom groups and things of that nature. We have been in our little town for over two years and (no joke) I haven't made a single friend. I just don't fit it in - mainly because I'm not racist, homophobic, conservative, Christian or strictly Republican.

My closest friend lives 4 hours away and we only talk on the phone about once a month and we only see each other maybe 3 times a year. Usually I am content to sit at home with my equally hermit husband and watch movies or read (we'd really love to travel, but that costs money and we're kinda low on that right now). Content that is, until I hit that emotional wall. You know the one I'm talking about, right?

It happens when I've kept everything bottled up and I give and give without ever getting anything in return emotionally. I don't expect anyone to make me happy, it's just frustrating when I can't get a few moments to myself to just clear my mind. When I hit my wall, I become a raging bitch for a few days until I've relieved enough pressure to act "normal" again. I will generally hide in the computer room as much as I possible so I can try to avoid unnecessarily yelling at the kids for just being kids.

So, I hit "the wall" again yesterday. I was so mean my husband brought me a bottle of wine last night. He said he had to bring home some sort of a peace offering. Now I feel like a total ass.

My problem this time is that I'm struggling with insecurities of not being able to find a job, when it's always been easy for me. I'm struggling with being the fattest I've ever been in my life, even though I've never truly been happy with my body - even when I was a size 3. I miss my husband. He lost his job 3 weeks before the baby was born and has had to take a (much) lower paying job that keeps him away from home until late at night. The kids miss him and I miss him and he misses us. I want time alone with my husband - we haven't been off together in over four YEARS. I'm worried about our finances. I'm sick of being stuck at home because we're back down to one vehicle. I'm trying to finish school and am having a hard time concentrating. I feel guilty because we can't afford preschool for Caleb anymore and he's stuck at home with a mom who doesn't have a clue about how to teach him. It just goes on and on and on.

It's times like this when I secretly wish I was more social and broad network of friends to distract me. But isn't that a selfish reason to make "friends"? I think I just need a break. That's all, just a break. Then I'll get back to doing what everyone else does on a daily basis and quit trying to be such a martyr.

Ah well, it's only three hours til bedtime, then I can crack open the bottle of wine (making sure I mangle the cork as I always do) and watch trash tv. In the meantime, maybe a brownie will help lighten my mood. It sure won't help lighten the scales, but it might help my mood a little ;)