Well, maybe not

Ha. It's been almost a year since I've posted. I'm still home with the kids. Hubs' job has transferred us to another location so we're not "back home" anymore. We're only an hour away, so we still get to see everyone much more frequently.

Lessee.

The girl child is 14 now. Not sure how that happened. I swear it was only yesterday that I was watching her dance in a little tutu. Now she won't have anything to do with pink and prefers to sulk in her room with a book. Can't say that I blame her though. I'd want to hide too if I had two younger brothers who made a game out of touching my butt.

The middle child/oldest son is 6. His social skills have improved by leaps and bounds in the past year or so. He now initiates contact with other people and doesn't scream when strangers come near us in the store. He's in rec league baseball and LOVES it. He's also stopped wiping his boogers on the wall by his bed at night. Improvements I say!

Logan - the baby - isn't such a baby anymore. He's 3 now. The word "spitfire" just doesn't do him justice but it's all I can think of. I'm pretty sure his name means "beat everyone into submission". I could be wrong, but it seems his mission in life is to dominate everyone and everything that crosses his path. And his path is very Tazmanian devilish - it has no rhyme or reason. Lucky for him, he makes me laugh a lot.

The adults - we've started farming. We went in half with some friends of ours and bought a cow and some chickens. Not all at once. We bought the cow first and then decided to get chickens too. We're trying to eat healthier and this is the result. That's right, we're raising animals with the intention of eating them. I'm sure there will be other posts later when slaughter time rolls around. We're also working on planting a garden together. I'm really excited about the prospect of fresh food in the summer.

Hopefully I'll be updating with more regularity now. No promises though :)

I'm baaaaaaack

So here I am.

Back at home with the kids.

I lost my job back in March and since I had zero luck finding a new job, Hubs went back to work.

I feel lost.

We're moving in two weeks back to our hometown, so I won't be on much at first. Once things gets settled, I should be updating on a semi-regular basis. Instead of one boy, I now have two and things are always interesting.

no title

My battle with depression is an ongoing thing. It's something I'll have to fight the rest of my life. Something as mundane as a text message or an email from a meddling sister will send me over the edge, but then something as simple as my husband giving me a hug will bring me back.

I tried to kill myself when I was 15. It was more a cry for help than anything, and I am so grateful that I did not succeed.

I almost drove my car into a light pole two years ago, but then my newborn child cried in the backseat and snapped me back to reality. I pulled over on the side of the road and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I look at my two-year old now and I hate myself for almost ending his life and leaving his siblings without a mother or brother.

I am on medication now and will probably be on some form of antidepressant the rest of my life. I'm ok with that. I don't know if the depression is rooted in losing my mother at such a young age, then suffering years of abuse at the hands of my father and his wife, or if it's simply a chemical imbalance that will never be corrected without medication. It could be a combination of both.

But today, I like who I am. I like my life. I love my children and my husband. Now that I've finished my degree and doing what I love, I feel as if I'm finding me again. My children truly give me great joy. My husband, simply by being present, gives me great strength. Life is far from perfect, but I'm so glad that I'm still here.

*sigh*

Wow. Another year has come and gone.

Seems like it was only yesterday that I was the kid waiting for Christmas. When did I become the grown-up? How did that happen? I still feel like someone is going to come up to me in the store and ask me where my parents are, if I'm lost.

Some days it feels like I just woke up one morning in someone else's life. How did I get here? Whose children are these? Why do I have to pay bills, I'm not an adult.

Then days like today I get up and look back and feel every bit my age. I have a pre-teen daughter who thinks her friends having sex is cool. How do you handle THAT situation rationally? My first instinct is to lock her in her room and home school her forever.

To protect her from the real world.

But reason prevails.

Isn't it our experiences with real life that makes us into who we are? Over-protecting my child would only keep my child from becoming who she was meant to be.

I chose instead to educate her and let her make up her own mind.

Sex causes STDs, pregnancy. All it takes is one time.

Boys will have sex with you if you let them. But that won't make them love you.

Learn to love yourself.

(not like that)

(Although, that may not be a bad idea.....)


I'm so scared.

Dear God, please don't let my little girl get hurt.

I had no idea being a parent would hurt my heart so much.

I had no idea being a parent could make me feel like love is oozing out every pore of my skin.




I think I'm going to need therapy before it's all over. I can see it.

Why am I still here?

I've logged on several times to delete this blog completely, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Like every other project I've ever started, I've let my writing fizzle out. I have at least a dozen uncompleted projects in my "craft area" - which has also become the dumping ground for miscellaneous household items. It seems the only thing I can finish these days is a book. Anyway, I slacked off on the writing because I didn't want to write about work (heard too many stories to want to risk that), too afraid to write about eccentric family members and I'm hardly around my kids to get good material to post.

Excuses, excuses.

The story of my life.

We took the kids to the shore today to take pictures for our Christmas card. Got home to find out I didn't get ANY good shots. So, do I go back tomorrow for re-takes, pick a new location that's a little closer to home or just forget it altogether?

See? I'll look for any excuse not to finish something....

I might let you know what I decide to do.

We'll see.